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| yeah, he broke up with me last Tuesday.
I'm a complete wreck.
the sun is shining outside and it is one perfect autumn day.
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| In general, I'm taking World Religions, Christian Ethics, Digital Imaging and a Philosophical Reasoning course. The first two are with a difficult professor and eat up all of my time. Also, I've been working part time at the library on campus at the reference desk. I also won first place in a juried photo competition and got a decent lump of money. I need to start talking to the Daily Herald (newspaper) about doing an internship and at least considering things I may want to go to grad school for.
This is a collection of journals I've written since the last time I posted but haven't since July, apparently...
October 10, 2009
The homecoming football game was today at Elmhurst College. Really I just wanted to go to see my boyfriend play in the jazz band, which is similar to football games in high school when I was only interested in the band. He was high and I assumed he would be, it gets him through gigs and his critical mind. One of the members of the a cappella group proposed to his girlfriend after they sang, that was precious. I really do think I would marry Adam, and I don't cringe at the thought of being with him and only him for the rest of my life. But I need to keep my mind clear and focused on myself and my goals because his mind can be very different, and that is okay.
I also feel that this relationship is different because he doesn't make me feel like a bad girlfriend, he makes me feel like the best girlfriend that ever lived. With Jon, I felt guilty all of the time.
This semester can't end soon enough in terms of schoolwork, but I really want to find a way to get back to being social and spending time with friends; I have to work to find a balance between a 4.0 and socializing. Not to mention getting healthy again, which ends dramatically with getting my tonsils out the week of finals. Funny, because the date is set for December 17th, and last year I had foot surgery on December 16th.
Tomorrow we are hoping to drive four hours north (my family) to this old mill we went to many years ago. I want to take pictures and see the colors.
And do homework in the car without falling asleep.
It's amazing I think I will always deal with body image problems. I truly have a distorted image of my body. My brain tells me that parts of my body are large and disproportionate, when it is completely confirmed by the fact that I can wear normal clothing, by other people's words, and sometimes the mirror... very rarely the scale. My philosophy professor studies the brain as his focus and was describing body image problems in terms of amputees and those that feel that their limb shouldn't be there in the first place so they WANT to get it cut off. Our brains can really interpret body parts in incorrect ways.
October 8th, 2009
it's been seven years since my grandma Schroeder died. that is amazing.
October 6, 2009
Oh, mono/tonsillitis. I went to another ear, nose and throat specialist this morning. Missed my ethics class yet again. He offered to take my tonsils out but I have to wait until I can take time to recover which is December 17th. Sooo, he put me on steroid for a week to help some swelling/fatigue.
Oi vey.
Also, dating Adam makes me feel like a military girlfriend. He has been at gigs and jam sessions for the past few days constantly. The one time I saw him he was a lifeless ball that fell asleep after eating dinner on the table.
I suppose there is a musician's girlfriend saying somewhere.
All I do is write papers about religion, do stuff for the other two classes if I have to, then it starts all over again.
I miss being social. I do feel better right now, though. That's the first day of steroids talking. Four pills since noon.
I'm generally good. trying not to be an "Eeyore" as I was called in an e-mail the other day.
September 10 - October 1st, 2009
Treating tonsillitis which really turned out to be Mono.
September 3rd
My boyfriend went into anaphylactic shock due to his peanut allergy... my first ride in an ambulance... first time in an Emergency Room... didn't sleep all night making sure he was breathing. I really thought he was going to die in my arms.
August 26, 2009
today was my last day of physical therapy for my jaw/neck. my therapist (kelly moore) called me a "granola" because of my tendencies. apparently that is her term for hippie. this was prompted by my saying I wanted to see the woodstock movie, though I really only want to see it because demetri martin is in it.
I went with adam and his cousin and this guy james from elmhurst kayaking this past sunday at "wonder lake." that was a run-on sentence. the grammar and syntax in this post suck. the water was muddy and weird, I had my period and had to "go" in an outhouse... but it was a really beautiful day. not hot. the clouds screamed "you're on a boat." we went to this mini island in the middle of the man-made lake where we found a ton of spent fireworks and a fire pit. adam and his cousin then proceeded to finish off an entire bottle of hard liquor. we found a large, dead carp floating on the edge of the lake. james and I wandered up onto some people's property, and while waiting for the drunks this guy and a girl a couple year younger than me came up to us out of the woods and said, "do you blaze?" to which we replied, "what?" I guess I didn't know that lingo, even with all of the addicts I hang around with. we stopped at a random restaurant where our waitress was this poorly-tattooed, skinny, hick woman who told us she was bisexual and that if we wanted something "big and cheap" we should call up her roommate.
on the way home I was alone with james in his barely-90s dodge caravan whose gas meter didn't work... he had to pee and we decided to use the glass tea bottle rather than me holding a plastic cup for him...
the night before this I was on the edge of the south side at adam's roommate's brother's (I know) birthday party. I made a polite comment about his dad's elvis shirt... to which his dad replied, "WANT A PICTURE?" he proceeded to give me a photograph he took of elvis back in the day, described his outfit, got out his cd-maker and made me a cd, then took me in his bedroom to give me a couple 5x7 frames out of a box of 100 of them.
I also was having what I thought at the time was really bad allergies during all of this which culminated into a dying pile of worthlessness on monday. I went to the doctor and got some medicine to jam up my nose. I was right: infection IN my nose.
that's all for now. I think we're going bowling.
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| I want to die being known for something heartfelt, bold and noble.
At least a photograph, or a name people drop when speaking of prominent photographers of an era.
This seems absurd.
Can it be that on a very micro-level, I have not updated this journal nor spoken to a lot of people because I'm trying to prove that I am not a joke?
I have large and at the same time humble things to say to this world, even just this society... and plenty of people to prepare for that don't like it, don't like me and don't like people with things to say.
We'll see what people feel these days about images that speak.
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| I find it disheartening that I have to write different things on my Xanga than I do on my Livejournal.
Yes, I have two journals. No, it's not pathetic. There's a different group of people on the Livejournal website with different lives and mindsets who create an environment in which I can express any and all things without feeling ashamed or uncomfortable.
I would like this fact not to be insulting to any of you, as this is certainly an insecurity of sorts on my part. The truth being that I'm an exceptional young woman living a mainstream life trying to keep my chin up.
The people who were once my support group seem now to be those on the jury... and I don't need anymore juries.
I am a rather tough one for myself, not to mention professional society and the academic world.
There are people and connections I really miss and hurt for, yet I can't stand and look backwards if no one is returning the gaze.
I will update again soon as I have been wanting to do for a while... when it's not time to sleep.
Love to you all.
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| I have too much to say, and very few words of which to speak.
someone else's photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kashklick/
in peace
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itsdamfantastic
